There are times that it feels like that there are multiple me’s inside my body. Which I guess isn’t inaccurate. However, this notion very often frustrates me to no end. Especially when I realize how much I swing between Effort and Freedom, instead of being in between. I tend to white-knuckle everything as if I needed to work to attain Grace. Either that or I don’t do a thing because I am under Grace and so my sins are forgiven. Something like that. I don’t actively live under Grace. And I know having the thought that I am under Grace and actively working should be the medium, but it’s like my pride won’t allow me to a lot of the time. And of course the times where I am in the middle of those two, it’s usually only for like 7 seconds and then I’m back to swinging again.
I guess Jesus, still needs to grow me…I say that as if there comes a point in my finite life that I won’t need to be grown. As if there will come a time when I won’t need to be matured spiritually or mentally.
Jesus help me. Continue to change my heart, teach me, and help me understand you and your Grace.