delve into my thoughts

My view of myself is small, and my view is very often petty and selfish, arrogant and obnoxious.

At least that is generally how I think when I am very tired, and when I don’t spend time with Jesus. It becomes more apparent that the reality in which I view myself is typically unbalanced leaning more towards the lower view. Not lower, as in humble, but more like lower as in a false type of humility that borders along the lines of a self-depricating arrogance (wait, what?…can that actually happen?). I am easily angered, quick to speak, slow to think things through.

It is apparent that I am a utter, complete mess. More broken than I want to admit, but less than I probably realize….if that made sense. In anycase, because of my low view of self (and not in the correct way), I find it often transfers over into my worldview. My worldview is unbudgingly small, petty and borders along the lines of arrogance and obnoxiousness.

I get that this world is broken and a mess, you don’t really have to go that far to see it. I get that the Gospel is the only way, but to quote Mars ill:

” Believers got to proud ’cause we held the magic backstage passes
Now they act like fascists, blocking all the gates to heavenly access
And that’s just when the package has no doorstep left to land on
Blacklisted seekers wander wondering what it means to be transformed
They can’t see because the pastor’s lingo wasn’t made for their people
White-collar congregation makes contributions to his ego”

I find I am the one that often hoards the truth of His Grace.Is it because of my sinful nature combating with my new nature? or is it because I don’t really understand who He is and what He’s done? Is He actually changing me? or am I just lying to myself?

If I am lying to myself that means I am doing “the lamest hobby in the world” and that is playing Christian and just going to church. Just because. I certainly pray that I’m not lying to myself. And not seeing apparent change is obviously not an indicator that I am not under His Grace.

Jesus, even if I don’t see it, I will believe that You are changing me. Help me with the unbelief that I hold. Settle my heart in times of distress over where you are.



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