Just a level of uncertainty

Not many people know this, I’ve told a few people. Some more recent, others in the past, however one thing hasn’t really changed in my answer to the question of “What do you want to do when you grow up/leave university?” The answer had always remained an unchanging ” I feel called towards ministry” or “I feel called to be a pastor/church planter.” Like I said it hasn’t really changed, until now. It hasn’t been until recently that I had begun to question this “calling” of mine. Once so certain, and now, I’m not sure if the “calling” is actually God’s calling or my own desire (and what kind of desire, I’m not entirely too sure).

What brought about this uncertainty? well, probably a year of spiritual apathy had a major role to play in it. Of which, I was all too well aware of. And it is just now do I actually think I am being pulled out of, not by my strength but by the wonderful Grace of Jesus. Another thing is probably the fact that I’m still working out, and am asking for, is where I belong. Not only in the working world, but even as a person within the Body of Christ. I’m not entirely certain where a person that is more introverted than extroverted fits into it. I’m still not entirely too sure of my gifts and what I can offer. And for awhile, I didn’t really care.  Right now, I’m probably still a little bit afraid to be open about who I am to those within the body, probably a little too afraid to really articulate what is in my head.

I guess this is one of the reasons why I’m going to Korea. I want to really take a year (or two) to really just figure things out, who I am, where God is taking me. In some ways, it feels like this year of being spiritually apathetic was a wasted year of me desperately trying to run away from Jesus, who even now….even as I want to ignore His whispers, continues to pursue me. And convict me, and constantly continues to pull me closer to a broken heart….one that will finally listen, and heed His call. His pursuit, continues to gently pull me back, despite my desire to rebel against Him and all that He has done.

I’m not gonna say that I’ll be alright, or that I’ll be fine. Because chances are that I won’t be. But I will be getting better. I am getting better. Oh Thank Jesus, and His wonderful mercies, that I am getting better. My only Hope is the Great Hope, is the Great Physician…the One who takes His scalpel and continues to cut me open so that I can be healed.

Hansen

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