This question/topic is so vague. I read it as a topic that can be shallow which won’t reveal much about me. Or I could go for broke, and reveal to those that read this, my heart, hopes and prayers. So I choose the latter route in hopes that it will encourage, convict, and grow. This entry will probably be very raw, and pretty uncensored. So if I have offended you in anyway, or you think I have revealed too much information, I apologize now in advance.
Alright, introduction/warning over. Let the topic answer begin.
Day 27 – A problem you have had.
If I were to be honest with you I would say that I am a mess. Even with Jesus healing me and repairing me, I am still a mess of broken pieces. Even with His Grace over me, changing me, freeing me from sin, I still fall. I stray, I chase other things. So if you haven’t really clued in, I have had, and still have a lot of problems. Some that are more apparent than others.
Well, this topic isn’t so broad that i have to cover the spectrum of the problems I have. However the central focus of every problem (or if you want to get down to the nitty-gritty and just call it what it is: sin) I have, is the fact that I have a tendency to worship created things. (idolatry).
When I first became a Christian, one of the very first sins that became VERY apparent to me was the sin of lust. Out of all the sins I have struggled with, this one has been with me the longest. Out of all the things I have struggled with, this has led to the most frustration, heart-ache, heart break, anger, self-loathing, desperation, and tears. I find that all these emotions and feelings come in waves, I’m thankful that it’s not as bad as it was. I’m thankful that His Grace is slowly healing and repairing me. Even though it was/is painful at times. He still cuts and removes what needs to be removed, at the necessary time.
One problem that I have more recently (a year or two) become more apparent to me, and one that I strongly believe stems from my struggle with lust, is that I am a flirt. Which seems ridiculous when I type it and read it. If I were being honest, my flesh does enjoy flirting with girls I find attractive. My flesh still clings to the LIE that being a “man” means “playing the field” so to speak. Even though, it seems more immature boy-ish than anything. Recently, more often than not, I have become more aware of when I am flirting. And more often than not, I am beginning to become more and more tired of it. I am becoming more aware of how I flirt, and how I send signals. I don’t want to intentionally, or unintentionally send the wrong signal to anyone. And if I am interested in someone, I would be very intentional with them. I would rather cultivate a deep friendship first, get to know them better….instead of, for lack of a better description, flirting my way into it. Essentially take things slow but deliberate. I don’t know if that’s a sign of Grace-given maturity, but I hope to God (seriously!) that it is.
Now earlier on, I typed out that this problem stems from idolatry. Or the worship of created things. And I believe that to be true, with the sin of lust, there is worship of the human body (in my case the female form) and also worship of self. See, with flirting, it was less about the person I was attracted to, and more about me. As in “lets see, if I can get this person attracted to me” type of thing. It was more for self-gratification, hence, the term “leading them on.” I am so thankful to Jesus that He has made me aware of it. By using other men to call me out on it. I hope that I have begun to change in this aspect of my life. I know it’s not instantaneous, but I do hope it is noticeable.
I am rather terrified of this topic. Again, talking about lust, relationships…and the fact that I can see myself as a flirt….not all that comfortable. I don’t necessarily want to have people see me in a different light, at the same time I want to be honest. Because I believe that this topic needs to be touched on with honesty. To all the women that I may have sent the wrong signals to (unintentional or intentional doesn’t matter. Doesn’t change the fact that I have sent them). I apologize.
Jesus is changing me, this I am certain of. Not because I deserve it, but because He loves me enough to not let me wallow in my own filth. He loves me enough to operate on my hard heart and replace with it (piece by piece) a heart of flesh.
I am so thankful. Words are not enough.