After every new years, without fail, I have the tendency to get into a pensive mood. For my friends, this tends to be a surprise, because they usually are used to me being quite loud (and obnoxiously so), chatty, and generally a smiley type of individual. However, when this mood hits, it is rather noticeable. I’m not as talkative, laughing, or smiling. Sure I smile and laugh, but I don’t think it’ll show in my eyes. It’s just a reflex. I happen to be in one of those pensive moods at the moment. Now it could be just that it’s the winter blah’s. But this has been happening fairly recently (3 or 4 years ago), so it happened shortly after Jesus saved me (Sept 14 2000).
I believe that this time is good for me, it is a time of reflection, a time of prayer and repentance. But it’s also a time of wrestling, questioning, doubting…and undoubtedly it is also a time of frustration. And unquestioningly a time of reminder.
For this time of pensiveness, I have been mainly dwelling, rather I believe God has really been putting on my thoughts, my relationship with Him and how it pertains to spiritual leadership. I’ve been dwelling on how much, and hard, I have so constantly fallen on my face in failure. How I, until very recently, didn’t really take my relationship with Jesus all that seriously. And especially, how I essentially ran away from the responsibility, I believe (and still believe) that He gave to me. And that is to be a Godly, Biblical leader. It is with regret, that I am being pensive, because I know, and I am quite aware just how much of my university life I wasted….making excuses, shirking responsibility, not fully understanding the incredible privilege bestowed upon me (a relationship with my Creator because of the Jesus’ horrible death on the Cross and glorious ressurection). It is with regret, because the university years which could have been used to develop/strengthen God-given spiritual leadership qualities has essentially just been wasted because of my utterly sinful selfishness. Because I did not (and still struggle) to find my identity in Christ, instead I shaped my identity around created things (my future goals, games, music, nostalgic television shows etc.).
Now I did mention that it is a time for reminder, and repentance as well. Just to let you know it hasn’t been all depressing, and full of regret (although, I would be lying if I said that the regret wasn’t large). Because even in that, I am reminded that by His Grace I am His. By His Grace, He will change me. By His Grace, He will strengthen and develop the qualities that will make me become a Godly, Biblical leader. By His Grace, He will change my heart and mind so that I will remember that my identity is found in who He is and what He has done, and not found in a career, or my future goals. By His Grace, I remember that my failures or successes have nothing to do with how God sees me. It’s been a time of regret, and it’s been a time of great joy.
As such the songs, yes plural because there are a few (by the same group) that eerily reflect the pensive mood that I am in. Both in regret, and in joy. Even if you don’t like hip-hop music, please give it a listen…and listen to the words spoken especially.
The first song is called “The Vision” it’s essentially a song about being religious and going to church as a “hobby” instead of having a deep intimate, vibrant relationship with Jesus.
The second track is “Be Still” it’s essentially a song about surrendering to God. In all our doubts, worries, arrogance…each verse is very reflective of what I have wrestled with, how I view myself, the pressures I feel, how the state of my heart is. There are actually several lines that stand out. Like this one “I don’t wanna disappoint my parents or deny You. I know that in my weakness, Your power is perfected” And also this one “As I’m sitting patiently waiting for the Lord to speak /Wait a minute, to be honest, I’m too anxious to sit
/Be still and know that He is Lord /My biggest struggle cuz all the time I’m taking matters into my own hands /Like Abraham and Sarah, looking to Hagar to give birth in whats promised /Relying on my own experience and logic /Lord, the passion I had for you has turned to what I do /My eyes are fixed upon the ministry instead of fixed on You”.
This is the final track that has reflected my week. And it has also been my plea, that by His Grace, He can and will be my everything. And that as my idols are revealed to me that, by His Grace, I can break them, that I can abandon them. Because in His Grace, I am truly free to do that.