I love my friends, I really do. So when they ask me how my soul is doing (which they have fairly recently) I can’t help but answer honestly. The thing is, what comes out of my mouth concerns me. Because what comes out of my mouth, I believe, if not in whole, than in part, comes straight out of the depths of my heart.
I recently told them that my soul is in the middle somewhere. Not sad, nor joyful. Not stunted, but not growing (as far as I can see). Dave, I think said it best (even if he was partially joking) when he stated “lukewarm.” I’ve spent the past few days just thinking about it. And honestly, I think there are just parts of me that just don’t care…at all, about anything. As if, just working will bring me satisfaction. As if, I will be satisfied with the mere mundane instead of living, hoping and seeking for something more.
More than anything, it feels like my soul is starving for something far more than what I have been giving it. It desires so much more than just living a life that just works, hangs out, relaxes and does stuff. I get bored of things really easily, which I consider both a blessing and an annoyance (at different times). I’m ridiculously thankful that I get bored of playing video games, that way I won’t spend hours at a time just playing video games (although I have done that on the rare occasion). I get the travel bug fairly easily and fairly often. So I tend to want to travel anywhere and everywhere.
There are some things that I have not gotten bored of doing. Things like reading good, well written books. Reading the Bible has recently just been a joy (whenever I do read it). Reading theological books have, for the most part, have been quite the joy too. Prayer as well has been a life-giver. It seems like this is the crux of the issue. It seems that I’m apathetic when I don’t do those things, not for the sake of just doing them, but doing them to press into and to get more of Jesus.
So here it is, Jesus is the life-giver to my soul. Which seems obvious, but I often tend to forget. Without pressing into Jesus, my heart slowly hardens. Without Jesus, I just stop caring, I forget that He is better than what I can see. Without Him, everything just seems so mundane, useless. What I’m doing seems pointless.
My heart is hardened, but not beyond saving. My soul feels deadened but not beyond life-giving resuscitation. And as painful as those two processes can be, as much as I dislike the pain that sometimes comes with growing in Christ-likeness. Jesus is better than how I’m living now. This I believe dearly, and this is my part of my hope. That Gospel Grace, that Jesus, is better and far sweeter. That past the initial pain is a better way to live and love.
Let my heart not be apathetic to you, Jesus.