Rest in the shadow of your wings

Leave a reply

I’ve grown up, primarily in a culture where men are discouraged to show any sign of weakness. No tears, no fear, where liking anything other than combat sports or anything aggressive (music, shows etc.) is sometimes looked down upon. I’ve had the notion hammered into me that asking for help, admitting weakness, admitting to struggles is a general no-no.

“I got this.” “I can handle it.” “I don’t need help.” “I can do this alone.” With my words and actions, this is how I have handled myself. And still find myself doing from time to time.

The more I have spent time with the men and women at The Gathering (the church I’m going to) the more I am convicted of this behaviour. The more I spend time with them, worshipping  with them, and praying with them, the more I find myself wanting, and needing their help, their prayers.

I find that my individualistic, white-knuckle, do it yourself spirit is slowly giving way to “I don’t have this” “I can’t handle it.” “I need help” “I can’t do this alone.” At least for some things. But by the Grace of God, my heart is being transformed from one that can’t admit weakness or struggles, to one that realizes that it absolutely needs to admit these.

Too often, I try and take on the weight of my own sin, my struggles and shame on my own. I don’t want my dear friends to see my struggles (of which I have many).

“With my strength alone, I’ll overcome my struggles. I’ll get better, holier, on my strength.” For the love of God (literally) don’t. It’s exhausting, mentally, emotionally. It is a lonely road that doesn’t change a thing. Sure the outward actions may change, but the heart will remain bitter, hard and cold.

Don’t forget the Cross. It is because of the Grace of Jesus, I am free to admit my weaknesses without fear of ridicule. I don’t need to make much of myself, I don’t need to make myself look strong because I’m not much, I’m not strong. I’m quite weak, and fragile. It is Christ that is strong. He deserves to be made much of. He is the life changer.
I can’t do much on my own, I’m alright with that. I’m surrounded by a great group of believers that would help carry the burden. And I would do the same.

I’m not alone, I am surrounded by people that love Jesus. I see His love, His Grace through them.
I’m thankful for all of them. Even though, I may keep most of them at a distance (through no fault of their own), it is because of their love for Jesus, for others..for me, that I’m beginning to see (again) my need for a Christ-centered, Gospel-loving community.

Through this group, I’m learning to rest and take joy in the freedom through the Cross. I’m learning that I don’t have to fight alone, because I was never alone.

My struggles, shame and regret maybe deep but God’s Grace runs deeper still.

Anesthetic Apathy

1 Reply

I love my friends, I really do. So when they ask me how my soul is doing (which they have fairly recently) I can’t help but answer honestly. The thing is, what comes out of my mouth concerns me. Because what comes out of my mouth, I believe, if not in whole, than in part, comes straight out of the depths of my heart.

I recently told them that my soul is in the middle somewhere. Not sad, nor joyful. Not stunted, but not growing (as far as I can see). Dave, I think said it best (even if he was partially joking) when he stated “lukewarm.” I’ve spent the past few days just thinking about it. And honestly, I think there are just parts of me that just don’t care…at all, about anything. As if, just working will bring me satisfaction. As if, I will be satisfied with the mere mundane instead of living, hoping and seeking for something more.

More than anything, it feels like my soul is starving for something far more than what I have been giving it. It desires so much more than just living a life that just works, hangs out, relaxes and does stuff. I get bored of things really easily, which I consider both a blessing and an annoyance (at different times). I’m ridiculously thankful that I get bored of playing video games, that way I won’t spend hours at a time just playing video games (although I have done that on the rare occasion). I get the travel bug fairly easily and fairly often. So I tend to want to travel anywhere and everywhere.

There are some things that I have not gotten bored of doing. Things like reading good, well written books. Reading the Bible has recently just been a joy (whenever I do read it). Reading theological books have, for the most part, have been quite the joy too. Prayer as well has been a life-giver. It seems like this is the crux of the issue. It seems that I’m apathetic when I don’t do those things, not for the sake of just doing them, but doing them to press into and to get more of Jesus.

So here it is, Jesus is the life-giver to my soul. Which seems obvious, but I often tend to forget. Without pressing into Jesus, my heart slowly hardens. Without Jesus, I just stop caring, I forget that He is better than what I can see. Without Him, everything just seems so mundane, useless. What I’m doing seems pointless.

My heart is hardened, but not beyond saving. My soul feels deadened but not beyond life-giving resuscitation. And as painful as those two processes can be, as much as I dislike the pain that sometimes comes with growing in Christ-likeness. Jesus is better than how I’m living now. This I believe dearly, and this is my part of my hope. That Gospel Grace, that Jesus, is better and far sweeter. That past the initial pain is a better way to live and love.

Let my heart not be apathetic to you, Jesus.

Hansen

This is the only thing I can offer

I have a tendency to compare myself to others. Whereas many people tend to compare themselves to make themselves look better. I, more often than not, compare what I am lacking to what others have. This is quite prevalent when I look at what my friends offer in terms of the Church body. And while doing so, feeling like what I have to offer isn’t quite good enough. I realize that not only am I selling myself short (for failing to see what God has given me) I am also implying, through my thoughts and actions, that somehow God made a mistake…or that I am not as blessed or not as loved compared to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Make no mistake, my friends are incredible blessings, super talented, and might I add, also ridiculously good looking. I can see, in some very incredible ways, how God is using them, growing them, and pressing them. Most of what I feel is joy, for them. Some of them are incredible speakers. Some, have been gifted just a beautiful talent for singing and instruments. Some offer incredibly sweet, life giving words of wisdom And others have this infectious, wonderful passion and joy for Jesus. Just to name a few.  

Yet, this gives me pause. What do I have to offer? I’m not as passionate, nor am I able to speak well. My singing is horrific, as is my instrument playing. As I dwell on what I lack, I am reminded that my identity isn’t founded on the talents I have. It is the same with my friends, their identities are not founded and grounded by the talents they were given. 

My identity is founded in Christ. My identity is grounded in who He is, what He has done, and His promises. My talents were never mine to begin with. So the only thing I can do, and the only thing I find myself wanting to do, is bless those around me with the talent God gave me. This is all I can do to bless the body of Christ and to give glory to God. 

Who I am isn’t founded upon what I can or cannot do. Who I am isn’t founded on what I do or don’t have. Who I am is founded upon a bloody Cross, an empty grave… a risen Saviour King. I don’t think it can get anymore stable, or any better than that.

 

Hansen

It’s been awhile hasn’t it?

Throughout my year in Korea, I had desired in all honesty to update this as frequently as possible. Hopefully share what God had been doing  in my life, dear readers (like all 1 one of you), however, the more I reflect on it, the more I wonder if He had really changed me in any significant way. Or at least a way that would be noticeable, or worthy of putting down into words for all the internet to see. 

Alas, it didn’t happen. And what I’m left with is a growing dread that I wasted a year of my life in South Korea (which I KNOW for a fact, that wasn’t true). There are many things to be thankful for after my time there: meeting amazing people, travelling (get paid while travelling…which is a plus!), learning that I just LOVE cooking. On the other hand, a part of me realizes that my original purpose for going there (seeing how another culture does church/prayer and worships Jesus) slowly disappeared. Instead of being pressed and challenged and changed and grown by Jesus, I honestly feel that spiritually, I was severely hampered. And that my friends is why a part of me feels like I wasted away a year. 

Even as I struggle to get these thoughts on here, my mind continues to come back to the fact that even though I lost my original purpose, it wasn’t as though I was completely left to figure out what I wanted to do on me own. Cooking, love of cooking, love of cooking for others was discovered while on this journey there. I don’t think that would have happened unless it was by the Grace of God. I think, without that Grace, I would still be pursuing something my personality is ill suited, and ill equipped for (that is pastorship). So I am extremely thankful for that. 

Today is a small post, hopefully I can expand on some of these within the following days. Although I can’t promise you anything. Ever since Korea I haven’t wanted to look at my blog in awhile. Is it good to be back? I’m not sure.

We’ll test the waters of the blogosphere once again to find out.

 

Hansen

It is only in Jesus

Leave a reply

” We hold on to the things we should forget; and forget the things we ought to remember.” – Tim Keller

One of the hardest lessons I am learning, have learned, and am reminded of constantly is the need to dwell in Jesus on a minute to minute basis. Sometimes I am frustrated because this is one of the integral parts of walking with Christ, and yet I am ALWAYS, ALWAYS, forgetting it. It is especially apparent when I am having good days, not only good days where everything seems to be going great physically, but it is apparent when I’m having good days when everything seems to be going great spiritually. When I’m successfully overcoming sin, when my Bible memorization and Bible reading goes well, when prayer seems to go well, those are the times when things are going great for me spiritually. And I’ve been realizing that those are the times that I tend to forget to give credit and praise to the Holy Spirit for making things run smoothly. Especially overcoming sin. I forget that my righteousness comes from the shed blood on Calvary. I develop a swagger as if to say “Hey God, look at my own strength. See how I’ve been able to change myself for the better? Aren’t I amazing?” All the while not remembering, holding onto, giving thanks for, and continuing to press into the God who saved me, adopted me, forgave me and changes me.
It is during these times, where I get arrogant that I tend to stumble and fall flat on my face. My self-righteousness, my arrogance and pride kill me. But Thanks be to God for the Gospel of Christ because it is the restoration and rescuing of a rebellious sinners life. I am forever thankful for Christ, that He is still pursuing me and reminding me that the only way I am able to overcome, that I am able to ever truly change is through what He accomplished on the Cross. I am forever thankful that because of the Holy Spirit within me I am able to change through the death and resurrection of Jesus. And I am thankful to God the Father because of His love and mercy towards someone like me. Who despite being weak and a coward, still is arrogant, prideful, and self-righteous enough to think that he can save himself.

I need you God. Because only in you am I truly free to overcome and change.
In your Son’s mighty name,
Amen.

Hansen

Let’s look at this all chronological and do the memorization thing.

1 Reply

As I prepare to embark into a new chapter of my life, away from friends and family and prepare to enter into a new land, new culture and new people. Dan, who I have the honour and privilege of calling a really good friend and brother in Christ proposed this challenge to me. Well, in a sense we proposed a challenge to each other.
His challenge to me was memorizing the book of Mark. And mine to him was reading the entire Bible in 90days or so. (although he had the idea of reading the Bible in chronological order, which we are doing)
In the end both of us have taken the challenges of memorizing the book of Mark and reading the Bible in chronological order.
I’ll be honest, I’m excited and ever so slightly (by a large margin) intimidated. I’m excited because I will be doing this with a dear friend and brother while in Korea. I’m intimidated because memorizing is not my forte, and reading the entire Bible in 52 weeks or so is daunting. so very very daunting. I’m excited because this is something that I have thought about doing for a while, but it is something I would rather do with someone else, as we spur each other on.
Even as I am excited to do both of these things, I know as well how easy it is to procrastinate, to give up, and to make excuses. I know that some days I just won’t want to do it. However it will be entirely necessary and worthwhile.
What am I expecting out of this? The main thing that I desire for both Dan and I is that as we really read and memorize God will just show us His magnificence. My hope is that as we plow through it, even on those days where it just seems slow, He will just show us more of who He is.
I’m looking forward to this. Not only at the end (getting more of Jesus) but also by the means in which we will be using. It’ll be difficult but it will be worth it. All for His Glory!

Hansen

Hands and Feet, Old and New.

2 Replies

I’m not sure if I’ll get flack for this. The reason I type that is because I’ve grown up in and around Christian circles that, generally speaking, believe that being the hands and feet of Jesus is somehow more difficult, painful, and frightening than being pressed by Him. As if it takes a certain kind of courage to leave the comfort of our house and home and travel somewhere new, exotic…unreached.
Now of course, no one would outright say that. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe wholeheartedly that being the hands and feet of Jesus is difficult. It is painful. And it is certainly frightening. Especially when He calls you (generally speaking) out of the comfort of house and home and places you into a place that is new, exotic and unreached.
I believe, although I would never outright say it, that in the past, I held missions (being the hands and feet of Jesus) as the avenue in which the highest difficulty with following God lay.
And then I began attending the Gathering. I am fond of the Gathering. I love it. Through loving the Gathering, I understand why Jesus states that if I love Him, I will also love the Church. It is here that I began to have a paradigm shift. It is at the Gathering that I no longer viewed living out God’s mission, furthering His kingdom, as something incredibly frightening, that takes the greatest amount of courage. Part of reason is, I believe, that I was now surrounded by men and women who were willing and eager to go. and I was surrounded by men and women who have gone and have experienced the same fears of going and frustrations of coming back, and so I could talk to both groups. They were/are an encouragement. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that missions trips (no matter how big or small) do take a great amount of courage. It takes a willingness to obey God, and trust that He has something much bigger, much grander, much better than our mud pies.(this is a vague C.S Lewis reference)
Jesus has used the Gathering to press me in places I do not want to be pressed. And now I am just beginning to understand the terrifying nature of the prayer that I pray both for myself and others. The prayer that Jesus would press us.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I believe I am awesome. I don’t say it jokingly. Of course I wouldn’t say it out loud. But how I act, how I think, how I talk indicate at the very core of me, that there is a strong sense of selfishness, pride, arrogance and sense of entitlement. It is here that God has been cutting. It is here that God has been working. And it is here that I am terrified/unwilling to really go, and let go. It is at this place that those dangerous prayers (that Jesus would press me), and by the guidance of the Holy Spirit, are taking me. It is here that I know, I will see who I really am…in light of a mighty and Holy God. And it is here I am absolutely terrified to look. Terrified because I know what I will find. Terrified because I know that when I take a look, I will see something ugly. I am afraid to look because I will see that in front of a completely Holy Righteous God, all of me (good, bad, ugly) is nothing but filthy rags. And I know that the process of sanctification, the discipline of God is often times painful.
These are the moments that I need. I don’t need more knowledge about God. I will only know about Him. However, during these moments of sanctification, I will get to know Him. Not only His standards, but His love for me. I will come to understand that His discipline is because He understands that there is something much better if I follow His commands. He knows that it’s better for me in the end, if He holds off on answering certain prayers.
In the end, I find it slightly easier to go and serve than I do to have Jesus open me up. At least I don’t have to look at myself for who I really am. But even in the pain, I know that His Grace is sufficient for me. Even in that despair, I know I will be comforted because of His finished work on the Cross.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for the finished work on the Cross. Thank you for your promise that you will comfort those in distress. Not only over the loss of a loved one, but also for those that grieve over their own fallen, self-destructive sinfulness. Thank you for Your Grace. Thank you for everything. I ask that even as you bring me towards places I do not want to be, sanctify me in those places. Remind me that Your Cross has even paid for it, that I am no longer tethered by it, and I am free to let go. Thank you that because of what You did, because I am clothed in You, I am no longer who I was. But I am counted as righteous in Your sight.
In Your Amazing name,
Amen

Hansen

Tim Keller on Singleness, Marriage and Family

1 Reply

My friend Leemarc tagged me in a note, which was a repost of a Tim Keller article. I haven’t finished it quite yet (I’m about 3/4 done) but even so I desire to share this with you anyway. It is a lengthy and weighty article. As I was reading it, I definitely felt convicted because many of the things Tim Keller writes about I either believed, struggle against, or still subconsciously (or consciously) hold onto. Today has been a day where in a very short while God has convicted me on many things. This one being very recent.

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for who you are, that you constantly pursue us, and show us your amazing goodness. Reveal to me my heart, what I hold onto. Reveal to me the things that impede my pursuit of You. Allow me to pursue You with the same passion and love that You pursued me. Let me dwell in You, so that You may be glorified.
In your wonderful name,
Amen.

 GOSPEL-COMMUNITY: SINGLENESS, MARRIAGE, AND FAMILY

by Dr. Tim Keller (Redeemer Presbyterian Church, New York City)

November 2001

Introduction

The church is to be an alternate city (Matt.5:14-16), alternate nation (1 Peter 2:9), even a ‘new humanity’ (Eph.2:15). It’s to be a place where the world can see what a society would look like if Christ was the ultimate value rather than sex, money, power, or some other idols. (A corporate idol is often called a ‘power’ in the New Testament (NT), which is defined as a good thing shaping a society in a bad way because it has been given idolatrous ultimate value.) It’s not enough to discuss Christian living in terms of individual ethics only. We also ask how as a community lives out the ‘gospel-values’ corporately, creating a society that reflects those priorities.

All studies show that in western cultures the percentage of single adults is growing. In 2000 the census showed that 48% of all adult householders were unmarried (up from 42% in 1990.) Center city areas are heavily single and churches like Redeemer will be largely filled with single Christians who must find a way to conduct their relationships in community so as to reflect the ‘new humanity’ created by the gospel.

A. THE GOODNESS OF THE SINGLE LIFE (The non-idolatry of marriage)

Paul’s weird passage on singleness

Paul says “Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. What I mean is that the time is short.” (1 Cor 7:27-28) This passage is very confusing on its surface. First, this view of marriage seems at profound variance with the exalted picture of marriage in Ephesians 5:21ff. Was Paul just having a bad day when he wrote this? Second, his view of marriage seems to have been conditioned by a conviction that Jesus was coming back any day (“The time is short”). Doesn’t history show that he was wrong?

‘Kingdom Theology’ Applied to Singleness

But immediately after this passage Paul writes: “From now on, those who have wives should live as if they had none. Those who mourn as if they did not. Those who are happy as if they were not. Those who buy as if it was not theirs. Those who use the things of the world as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.” (1 Cor. 7:29-31) Here we see that behind “the time is short” phrase is a much more sophisticated view of history. Paul (as Jesus) taught the ‘overlap’ of the ages. The kingdom of God–God’s power to renew the whole of creation–has broken into the old world (‘aeon’ or ‘age’) through Christ’s first coming. The kingdom is here in a substantial but partial way (Rom 13:11-14).

On the one hand, it means that all the social and material concerns of this world still exist. But on the other hand, the gospel brings us an internal joy-peace and a hope in the future-of-God which relativizes and transforms all our earthly relationships (Rom 14:17). Therefore we must not “over-invest” ourselves and our hearts in anything besides the kingdom. The future of God means radical freedom! We are neither too elated by success nor too cast down by disappointment–because our true success is in God (Col 3:1-4). Though we have possessions we should live as if they weren’t really ours–for our real wealth is in God (Luke 16:1ff.) We should ‘sit loose’ to everything. There is nothing now that we have to have. Finally, Paul applies this principle to marriage and singleness. We are neither over-elated by getting married nor over-disappointed by not being so–because Christ is the only spouse that can truly fulfill us and God’s family the only family that will truly embrace and satisfy us (Eph.5:21ff.).

The Goodness and Necessity of Singleness in the Christian Community

Christianity was the very first religion or world-view that held up single adulthood as a viable way of life. Jesus himself and St. Paul were single. “One clear difference between Christianity and Judaism [and all other traditional religions] is the former’s entertainment of the idea of singleness as the paradigm way of life for its followers.” (Stanley Hauerwas, A Community of Character p.174) Nearly all religions and cultures made an absolute value of the family and of the bearing of children. There was no honor without family honor, and there was no real lasting significance or ‘legacy’ without leaving heirs. By contrast, the early church not only did not pressure people to marry (as we see in Paul’s letter) but it institutionally supported poor widows so they did not have to remarry.

“Should they be widowed, Christian women enjoyed substantial advantages. Pagan widows faced great social pressure to remarry; Caesar Augustus (the first Roman emperor) even had widows fined if they failed to marry within two years. In contrast, among Christians, widowhood was highly respected and remarriage was, if anything, mildly discouraged. The church stood ready to sustain poor widows, allowing them a choice as to whether or not to remarry. [Single widows were active in care-giving and good deeds in the neighborhood.] (Stark, The Rise of Christianity, p.104).

Why? The Christian gospel and hope of the kingdom-future de-idolized marriage. “Singleness was legitimated, not because sex was questionable, but because the mission of the church is ‘between the times’ [the overlap of the ages] We must remember that the ‘sacrifice’ made by singles was not [just in] ‘giving up sex’ but in giving up heirs. There could be no more radical act that that! This was a clear expression that one’s future is not guaranteed by the family, but by the [kingdom of God and the] church” (Hauerwas, p.190). “[Now, in the overlap of the ages], both singleness and marriage are symbolic institutions for the constitution of the church’s witness of the kingdom. Neither can be valid without the other. If singleness is a symbol of the church’s confidence in God’s power to convert lives for the growth of the church, marriage and procreation is the symbol of the church’s hope for the world. For Christians do not place their hope in their children, but rather their children are a sign of their hope that God has not abandoned this world” (Hauerwas, p.191)

The First Theological Purpose of Marriage

Do you see how the gospel changes our view of marriage and singleness? Christians are to choose between marriage and singleness not a) for the basic contemporary motive (idolatry) of personal fulfillment nor b) for the traditional motive (idolatry) that you aren’t ‘anybody’ unless you have a family and children. Rather, we marry (or not) on the basis of which state makes us best a sign of the kingdom. Hauerwas says that single Christian adults were a startling witness to the coming kingdom in that ancient world. They showed that their hope and significance was not in family or heirs but in the kingdom. But both then (and especially now–see below) being married is also a way to be a sign of the kingdom.

This is a key reason why the Bible forbids you to wittingly marry someone who doesn’t share your faith—because one of the main purpose of marriage is to build kindgom-exhibiting community, to show the world how Christ transforms everything, including marriage. You can’t do that at all if both spouses aren’t believers. A Christian who wittingly marries a non-believer shows that his or her motive is not mission or kingdom-exhibition. One of the main ways (and maybe the main way) that married Christians witness to Christ is to show the difference Christ makes in marriage.

This is why many single Christian adults do not marry even though they have a very deep desire to do so. If one non-negotiable reason for marriage is kingdom-exhibition, then that leaves out a lot of otherwise good prospects! If you can only marry ‘in the Lord’ your ‘pool of candidates’ shrinks drastically. But if a single Christian remains single largely because he or she will not compromise here, then we are paying a price for the kingdom. We are promised to be blessed for that (1 Pet 4:13-14,19) And God will use the Christian’s singleness to minister to others in ways that married people cannot (cf. 1 Cor 7:32-34).

In summary, the purpose of both singleness and marriage is to created communities which are a sign of the glory of the coming (and present) kingdom of God. But to do that, every church needs a combination of both Christian married couples and Christian singles. Both couples and singles can minister to each other (see point B.) Paul’s statements show that there are advantages and disadvantages in ministry for both singles and marrieds. Hauerwas points out that singles and marrieds both point to the hope of Christ in different ways. The world needs to see both.

A Truly High View of Marriage means a High View of Singleness

Ironically, Eph 5:21ff, with its ‘exalted’ view of marriage, also supports the idea of the goodness of singleness! How? Ephesians 5 tells us that marriage is not ultimately about sex or social stability or personal fulfillment. Marriage was created to be a reflection on the human level of our ultimate love relationship and union with the Lord. Married love is therefore sacred and blessed. Married love must therefore follow the pattern of Jesus’ sacrificial love for us.

But this exalted view of marriage tells us that marriage is only pen-ultimate. It points to the Real Marriage that our souls need and the Real Family our hearts want. The ‘overlap’ of the ages means that in this broken-but-redeeming world, marriage is only a partial help. It is not a panacea. No marriage will completely give us what we want or need. Ephesians 5 means that even those Christians married to Christians will do a terrible job of conducting their marriage if they don’t have a deeply fulfilling love relationship with Christ now, and an ultimate hope in a perfect love relationship then. If we don’t have that, married people will put too much pressure on their marriage to fulfill them, and that will always create pathology in their lives. If singles, then, don’t have the same fulfilling love relationship with Jesus, they will put that pressure on their dream of marriage, and that will create pathology in their lives as well. But if singles do rest in and rejoice in their marriage to Christ, that means they will be able to handle single life without devastating loneliness. Singles must realize that the very same idolatry of marriage that is distorting their single lives would (or will) distort their married lives.

Practical Implication for the Church

The gospel-based community practices a view of singleness that is contrary to the idolatry of marriage often seen in traditional culture. It frees singles from the shame of being unmarried. It speaks realistically and not sentimentally about marriage. It treats singles like equal members and leaders in the church. Unfortunately, many or most Christian churches imbibe more of the traditional-society-view of marriage than a gospel based marriage. It is no exaggeration to say that most churches continue to make Christian single adults feel like freaks or else make them an object of well-meant but patronizing pity. Churches do not take 1 Cor.7 seriously at all. They cannot fathom how or why Paul would speak so highly about singleness and so realistically about marriage.

B. THE FREEDOM OF THE SINGLE LIFE (The non-fear of marriage)

Contemporary Idolatries and Marriage

However, the gospel-based community does not only practice a view of singleness that is contrary to that of traditional culture, but also to that of contemporary culture. Contemporary culture is very cynical about marriage and avoids it and fears it (or at least puts it off) inordinately. The Bible does have an exalted view of marriage, as Ephesians 5 shows us. That means that marriage should also not be feared or avoided. While traditional societies tend to make an idol out of marriage (because it makes an idol out of the family and tribe), contemporary societies tend to make an idol of independence (because it makes an idol out of individual choice and happiness.) While the traditional motive for marriage was social duty, stability, and status, the contemporary motive for marriage is for personal fulfillment. Both of these motives are partially true, of course, but they tend to become ultimates if the gospel has not changed your mind and heart. However, since we live in a contemporary western society which idolizes independence and personal fulfillment, Christian singles are often effected by these ‘worldly’ values in subtle ways. My experience in NYC is that at least as many Christian singles are infected the contemporary idols (fear of marriage) as by traditional idols (over-desire for marriage). This view of marriage brings with it the following pathologies:

General Perfectionism: One major fruit of the contemporary culture-view is that singles are extremely perfectionistic and impossible to satisfy as they look at prospective spouses.

Looks and Money (Specific Perfectionism): When contemporary singles say they want personal ‘fulfillment’ in marriage, they usually mean 1) sexual fulfillment and 2) career or material fulfillment, not the fulfillment of character growth (Eph 5:25-27) into love, peace, joy, and hope (Col 1, Gal 5, 1 Cor 13). As a result, modern dating is a remarkably crass form of self-merchandising. You must look good and make money if you are to attract dates, a partner, or a spouse. The reason you want a good looking or affluent partner is for your own self-esteem (i.e. ‘personal fulfillment’).

The Second Theological Purpose of Marriage

There are many sociological explanations for why singles today put off marriage and are so slow to move into commitment. One reason given is that, because so many younger adults are now the product of divorce, they are suspicious of prospective partners. Another reason given is that in the past it was hard to ‘get sex’ without being married, but that is no problem now. These are certainly factors, and yet I know many Christian singles who are being celibate and who have come from intact homes who (nonetheless) are having as much trouble moving into committed relationships as everyone else. I propose that the reason for the perfectionism goes deeper. The culture sees the purpose of marriage as basically “fulfillment”. Ephesians 5, however, holds out that at least one of the purposes of Christian marriage is “sanctification”.

“Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself a radiant church, without strain or wrinkle or any blemish…” (Eph 5:25-27)

First, marriage here is held out as one of the best possible ways to learn about our sins and grow out of them through speaking the truth in love with one another. Second, this process takes sacrifice on the part of the spouse. It is not an easy process, but often threatening and painful. None of this fits into the contemporary model of ‘marriage as fulfillment’!

As much as possible contemporary singles want a partner who is already a ‘together’ person and one who is low maintenance and will not require lots of rearranging of your life. No wonder it is so hard to find candidates like this!

I think it is only fair to say that while there have been many happy exceptions, the Christian community of singles in most cities operate in pretty much the same way. In the Christian single’s mind, most candidates are immediately screened out (eliminated from consideration) on the basis of looks, polish, and material/social status. This is simply another way in which Christian singles are being effected by the culture’s ‘far idol’ of personal fulfillment and ‘near idols’ of sexual beauty and money. They are looking for someone already ‘beautiful’ in the most superficial way.

Instead, we should realize that marriage is a vehicle for helping our spouses become their future-selves through sacrificial service. We are to fall in love with the glorious thing God is doing in our spouse’s life. We become committed to our spouse’s future glory. We want to do whatever it takes to be a vehicle for that. Ironically, this view of marriage eventually does provide unbelievable personal fulfillment, but not in the sacrifice-less and superficial way that contemporary people want it to come.

[Note: Actually, people with ‘traditional society’ idols can make idols out of looks and money as well. In traditional culture, the family was our hope–it was the way to establish our name, our economic and social status. This also leads to making looks and money into inordinate factors in choosing relationships.] (‘Traditional society’ here would apply to prevailing social norms in countries that have not totally subscribed to individualism. While Asia is adopting certain Western attitudes, the vast majority of the world still adheres to traditional society. -Leemarc)

Some Other Reasons for Marriage-Avoidance

There are probably some other reasons for the fact that many Christian singles won’t move out into relationships.

First, in a church like Redeemer, many people are newer to the Christian faith. They were completely adept at the contemporary approach to dating and marriage, namely: 1) dating is simply for fun, sex, and maybe social status, while 2) marriage-seeking is very optional, only for the brave, and when it is done–only for risk-free personal fulfillment, sex and career. Newer Christians now realize that Christian dating relationships should be different–more serious, or something (!?) But the seriousness may be rather scary to a person who is used to dating-as-sexual-fun.

Second, I think Redeemer has a rather equal balance of singles who have the over-desire for marriage and singles who have the fear-avoidance problem. The chances of one kind dating the other kind at Redeemer is fairly good, but the combination can be explosive!

Third, some people simply have temperaments that highly value individual freedom and autonomy. Disproportionate numbers of these people are attracted to a place like New York City. Here they can construct their own lives and lifestyles free from the constraints and expectations put on them in most of the rest of the world. A high percentage of such people probably make an emotional-psychological idol of personal freedom. They feel simply stifled by the loss of freedom that marriage will mean.

Fourth, dating and marriage has always been a frightening prospect for a significant percentage of every generation. In more traditional settings, that percentage of scared-of-marriage people got significant support and guidance (and pressure to marry!) from the surrounding community and culture. But that does not happen in a place like NYC.

Rules of Thumb for Seasonal Marriage-Seeking

So how does a Christian single strike a balance between marriage-idolatry and marriage-avoiding? Seasonal marriage-seeking. In general, that means that while much of the time you can be relatively passive, waiting to ‘come across’ someone, there are other times in which you should be deliberately looking for prospective marriage partners among people that you may have overlooked. That is a balanced approach. Here are some rules of thumb.

A. Recognize the seasons for not doing marriage-seeking:

There are many times or ‘seasons’ in which active dating and marriage-seeking do not have to be pursued. Anyone who always needs to ‘have somebody’ is probably in to marriage-idolatry.

Anyone who is never marriage-seeking is naive about your own sinful fears and perfectionism. When you are going through a significant transition–starting a new job, starting a new school, death of a parent, or some other fairly absorbing time or event–it might not at all be a good time to ‘begin a relationship’. In fact, after some emotionally-charged times you might want to deliberately avoid marriage-seeking. In such situations, often your judgement is cloudy and your motives bad. During some times of healing or re-grouping you probably need deep Christian friendship more than marriage-seeking and dates.

B. Have a balanced view of ‘single calling’

Paul refers to his singleness as a ‘gift’ in 1 Cor 7:7. Since he almost immediately afterwards says, “but if they cannot control themselves they should marry” (v.8), Paul probably means that a single ‘gift’ consists of a very low ‘felt need’ for a romantic relationship or marriage. We need to make a few cautionary remarks here, however.

First, it is possible that a ‘low need’ for relationships is not from God but is a sign of a deep idolatry of personal freedom. Or it may be an inability to create deep relationships in general. Don’t mistake a selfish spirit or an inability to keep friendships or a fear/disdain of the opposite sex as a ‘single gift’! In other words, we should not be too quick to accept a lack of romantic desire as a ‘gift’ from God. Unless you’ve done some serious dating and made a true effort, you can’t be sure about your own heart in this regard.

Second, it is possible that a ‘gift’ like this is not a permanent condition but rather something given for a definite period of time. It must be re-evaluated periodically.

Third, it is not possible for a man or woman to be so sure of ‘God’s calling’ that they ever totally close off the possibility of marriage. You should stay open to God by allowing yourself to be in a more ‘passive’ mode for dating. Don’t seek but don’t refuse.

C. But sans a ‘season’ or a ‘gift’ you should be actively dating and marriage seeking.

Why?

To affirm people of the opposite sex within the Christian community.

To help one another learn the intricacies of cross-gender communication, discernment, and relationship

To stay open to God’s own leading about whether you should be married or not

To avoid the contemporary idols that make dating and marriage very threatening

To avoid avoiding. Dating and marriage-seeking is a process of self-discovery as well as understanding cross-gender relationships. Don’t procrastinate.

How?
There has been an interesting debate in the Christian world over the term ‘dating’. (cf. I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.) Some are drawing a hard and fast distinction between the romantic approach of traditional society (ie “courtship”) with the romantic approach of contemporary society (ie “dating”) without noting the idolatry in each.

In ‘courtship’ the man went in to a woman’s home and family. He ‘called’ on her. There he met the family, got to know her in the context of her entire family, who also got to know him virtually as well as she did. The family then kept strong control over who the woman saw and had great input into whether he was suitable or not for marriage.

In ‘dating’ the man and woman went out into public places of entertainment in order to get to know one another. This not only removed family input to a great degree, but it also put the emphasis not on character assessment but on fun and ‘being seen’. (See Beth Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in the 20th Cent America (Johns Hopkins, 1988)

There are many movements and proponents of a ‘return to courtship’ but many of them are problematic.

First, they don’t take into consideration the idols inherent in traditional society.

Second, they tend to try to institutionalize one particular moment in human social history. Why not go ‘all the way back’ to arranged marriages?

Third, it probably creates more problems than it solves to refuse to use the word ‘dating’ at all. Instead, why not admit the problems with the contemporary motives for and models of relationships and talk about how dating should be different in a Christian community. Here are some guidelines:

A. Strike a ‘seriousness’ balance

‘Courtship’ is oriented toward character assessment and consideration of prospects for marriage. It is pure marriage-seeking. ‘Dating’ is oriented toward recreation with companionship. There is therefore a kind of pure ‘date’ that has nothing to do with assessing the other person for a future serious relationship. Are we never to date? Here are some rules of thumb:

If we try to insist that we should never ‘date’ without marriage-seeking, we are going to fall into legalism. There are too many social occasions that call for something like a ‘date’.On the other hand, those who preponderantly do pure ‘dating’ especially as they get older will be playing with the emotions of others.There must be gentle ways to signal the seriousness-level with which you ask/agree to a particular date. The older you are, and the more often you ‘go out’, the quicker both people must be to acknowledge that you are doing marriage-seeking. Yes, Christianity does tend to make dating relationships much more ‘serious’ more quickly.

B. Do not allow yourself deep emotional involvement with a non-believing person

2 Cor 6:14ff is invoked for this rule and rightly so, though the many prohibitions in the Old Testament against Jews marrying non-Jews teaches the same thing. (These were not prohibitions against marrying outside of one’s race, but of one’s faith as can be seen in Numbers 12.)

What is the logic behind this? If your partner doesn’t share your faith, then he or she doesn’t understand it. And if Jesus is central to you, then that means that your partner doesn’t understand you. He/she doesn’t understand the mainspring of your life, the ground motive of all you do. Over and over you will make decisions that your partner can’t fathom. Now the essence of intimacy in marriage is that finally you have someone who really understands you and accepts you as you are. Finally you have someone that you don’t have to hide from or always be ‘spinning’, who ‘gets’ you. But if the person is not a believer, he or she can’t understand your very essence and heart.

If you marry someone who does not share your faith, there is only two ways to go.

One is that you will more and more have to lose your transparency. In the normal, healthy Christian life, you relate Christ and the gospel to everything. You will think of Christ when watching a movie. You will base decisions on Christian principles. You will think about what you read in the Bible that day. But if you are natural and transparent about all of these thoughts, your partner will find it at least tedious or appalling and even offensive. Your partner will almost have to think that the normal Christian is obsessed. He or she will say, “I had no idea you were this overboard about this.’

The other possibility is that you simply move Christ out of such a central place in your consciousness. You may even have to let your heart-ardor for Christ cool. Why? Because if you keep him central you will feel isolated from your spouse.
No, there is nothing in the Bible forbidding you to ‘date’ a non-Christian, since there is nothing in the Bible about ‘dating’ at all! But there is a clear rule against marrying outside the faith. Wisdom dictates then that you don’t get ‘serious’ with someone who doesn’t believe. You must consider that as a Christian, you know what it is like to be both inside and outside of Christ, while your partner does not. That puts the responsibility on you. He or she will never understand why you think the difference is such a big deal. (He/she will think it is something like a Democrat marrying a Republican or at most like two people of different races marrying one another.) That means if you get involved deeply, the other person will never really understand why you want to break up. That will be enormously painful.

C. Feel ‘attraction’ in the most comprehensive sense

Yes, physical attraction is something that must definitely grow between marriage partners and it will come easily if you have the ‘deeper’ attraction I’m speaking of. ‘Comprehensive attraction’ is something that you can begin to sense with people if you deliberately disable the default looks-polish screening mode (mentioned above) What is ‘comprehensive’ attraction? (In fact, you may find to your horror you are feeling it with people who directly violate your old screening policy.)

Part of it is being attracted to the person’s ‘character’ or spiritual fruit (Gal 5:22ff.) Jonathan Edwards said that ‘true virtue’ in any person–the contentment, peace, and joy from the gospel–is beautiful.
Part of it is being attracted to ‘mission in life’ or spiritual gifts. What is his or her deepest mission in life? What part of the work of the kingdom does he or she have a passion for?
On the basis of both of these, you must become attracted to the person’s future self. Ephesians 5 tells us that the purpose of marriage is to help one another become the glorious, unique persons God is making us. Marriage partners can say, “I see what you are becoming and what you will be (even though, frankly, you aren’t there yet). The flashes of your future attract me.

Ultimately, your marriage partner should be part of your ‘mythos’. C.S. Lewis spoke of a ‘secret thread’ that united every persons’ favorite books, music, places, or past-times. Certain things arouse in you an ‘inconsolable longing’ in you that gets you in touch with the Joy that is God. Bernstein said that Beethoven’s Fifth always made him sure (despite his intellectual atheism) that there was a God. Beethoven doesn’t do that for me. Everyone has something that moves you so that you long for heaven or the future kingdom of God. Sometimes you will meet a person who shares to a great degree the same ‘mythos’ thread. Often the person is part of the thread him or herself. This is very hard to describe, obviously.
Semi-tragic note. An awful lot of married people do not know what this whole ‘comprehensive’ attraction is. Many people choose their marriage partner on the basis of looks/polish/money and not on the basis of character, mission, future-self, and mythos. Often the person they married is not really attractive to them at all in the comprehensive way.

D. Don’t romanticize/sexualize things too quickly

This was one of the great advantages of the old ‘courtship’ approach. In courtship, the ‘suitor’ and the ‘suitoress’ got to see one another in more natural settings–family life, church life, community life. The comprehensive attraction and evaluation of character was easier to do. When a relationship goes out into public entertainment events and gets sexual, a very superficial and emotional attraction, even addiction, can arise quickly. The fact that these ‘crushes’ can become so hostile and bitter so quickly shows that the comprehensive attraction and admiration was never there.

Yes, early on, major in friendship experiences. The Christian community affords plenty of opportunity for this. Even after you declare to another “I want to date you”, you are able to ‘enter the worlds’ of one another in the older courtship way that is very difficult outside the Christian community. You can study the Bible together, serve in the city together, and so on.

Yes, don’t have sex before marriage. The Biblical, theological, and practical reasons are voluminous and we have other MCM handouts that address this. There is no ambiguity about this in the Bible or in the history of Christian theology and practice. It is even something that every major world religion agrees on! But even this handout should make obvious to you how important it is to put friendship development before romantic development.

E. Get and submit to community input

“Courtship” assumed that experienced married people (in your extended family) would give you major input in the selection of a spouse. Many people are now insisting that we return to the old requirement of getting the father’s consent or even of arranged marriages. But that is seldom practicable, especially for a) singles who have been away from home for years and b) single Christians whose parents have little understanding of the gospel. However, the basic principle is right and important. Marriage is not simply an individual decision. The Christian community has a deep investment in you and a deep interest in healthy and happy marriages. Also, the community has many married people in it who have much wisdom for the singles. Singles should get community input at every step of the way in their dating and marriage seeking.

F. What are the requirements for getting married?

Both Christians: Both on ‘same page’ which means spirituality is at least complementary, not too far ahead/behind, not too opposed, both growing.

Able to solve problems: Moving through and making changes without one person always getting way. Not working on very same problems over and over.

Taking a look back

Leave a reply

Today, in a moment of nostalgia I decided to take a look at my old blog.  Looking throughout the years, I honestly believe that my writing style hasn’t changed much. Nor have my topics of interest.
I remember, however, a post that I did in 2008 entitled “The end is near”  and in that post I talked about my mortality and how one day I was going to die. I didn’t know when, but I knew that I was going to die. So, I decided to make a list of reasons why I shouldn’t be cried for during my funeral. Instead, people should be joyously celebrating the life I’ve had. Because, despite the bumps along the way, I believe that my life has been FULL of experiences that i would never trade away.

This is a look at the 2008 list:
Don’t cry for me I have a wonderful family
Don’t cry for me I have incredible friends
Don’t cry for me I’ve laughed so hard I hyperventilated to the point of almost blacking out
Don’t cry for me, I’ve laughed so loud my friends could hear me from a different room on the other side of the building, and floor.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve laughed so hard that milk came out of my nose
Don’t cry for me, I’ve had good beer with even better friends
Don’t cry for me, I’ve had mind-blowing 4-5 hour long discussions on theology, and not just the simple stuff, but on incredibly weighty issues
Don’t cry for me, I’ve seen Christ save people
Don’t cry for me, I’ve been to Malaysia, Hong Kong, the UK, Kazakhstan, East Asia and the US
Don’t cry for me, I’ve smelled the ocean
Don’t cry for me, I’ve been on a mountain
Don’t cry for me, I’ve seen a sunset
Don’t cry for me, I’ve seen a sunrise
Don’t cry for me, I’ve been to university
Don’t cry for me, I’ve eaten the best sushi
Don’t cry for me, I’ve had amazing bubbletea
Don’t cry for me, I’ve eaten incredibly mouth-watering, savoury food
Don’t cry for me, I’ve eaten a lobster
Don’t cry for me, I’ve ridden a horse
Don’t cry for me, I’ve eaten a horse
Don’t cry for me, I’m home

In 2008, that list had quite the meaning for me. Not much of that list has changed. I still intend on ending it with “Don’t cry for me, I’m home.”
So with that said, the new list looks like this:

Don’t cry for me, I have an amazing family
Don’t cry for me, I have amazing friends
Don’t cry for me, I’ve laughed loudly and long.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve cried tears of joy and sadness.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve eaten the most amazing food
Don’t cry for me, I’ve made/helped make some really tasty food
Don’t cry for me, I’ve sang horribly off key, with my friends in Karaoke.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve had really good beer with even better friends
Don’t cry for me, I’ve had long, insightful, weighty talks about theology and life with stellar people.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve been to the U.S, East Asia, Hong Kong, Malaysia, England, Singapore, Amsterdam, and Kazakhstan
Don’t cry for me, I’ve been to both the West and East coast of Canada.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve seen a beautiful sunset.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve seen a beautiful sunrise.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve been on a mountain
Don’t cry for me, I’ve smelled the ocean
Don’t cry for me, I’ve drank water from glacial ice.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve been to and graduated from university.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve drank the best tasting bubble tea.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve ridden a horse.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve eaten many different cultural foods.
Don’t cry for me, I was part of a fiercely awesome church body, who loved Jesus with all they are.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve prayed with fierce, passionate men and women of Christ.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve seen Jesus save and change people.
Don’t cry for me, I’ve had the privilege to be used by Jesus as He’s saved and changed
people.
Don’t cry for me, I have been saved, redeemed, rescued and changed by Jesus. By His Grace, through His blood.
Don’t cry for me, I’m home.

There are times where I do think heavily on my own fragility. My life, like the Bible says, is like dew. Here in the morning and gone in the afternoon. This list serves as a list of joyous events and occasions worth celebrating. And I honestly hope that throughout the years it will continue to grow. Until it reaches the end, and I am truly home.

Hansen